I wasn't meant to post on this blog, this week, but I changed my mind, and am posting a whole series :P
I've never had a near death experience. I've never seen the blinding light, never conversed with my creator or talked with my dead grandmother on the other side. I've never had holy purpose careen down the feeding tube, to fill my belly with righteous fire, as my brain shut down.
In some way, I used to wish that I did wake up one morning in a hospital bed, to find myself compelled to right the wrongs of my life, or find the zeal and meaning I surely lacked.
I have even hoped for disaster to strike, so I may be energized into action. Something to struggle against so I could fill the void that I felt in my personality. Something to feed the hunger. Some way to feel alive. I remember praying for war and economic disaster. Praying to nothing, and clinging to the empty hope, that someday, I'll find something meaningful for my ego and anima to devour, so they could become whole.
Some people drink to fill void. Some drug themselves into their own oblivion, in an attempt to fill the pit, or hide from it. Others will sleep around, hurt themselves, or even hurt the people close to them. Just to bridge the gap with feeling, or forget the emptiness.
I think. Thinking, planning, and solving problems helps to keep me sustained. But sometimes that can backfire. Sometimes it becomes impossible not to think of the hunger. I dwell on the hunger, until it grows so strong, I become afraid it will consume me, control me. I become afraid, I'll go and create the struggle I used to pray for. Fear makes the hunger grow stronger, too.
So in the end, there's only one thing to do. One thing to stop it. Render oneself too weak to think, plan, or even move. I have let my body waste, and strength wane. I have been reliant on others to survive. Reliant on them to give me the will to rise in the morning. But the hunger is still there, fueling hope for the terrible. Eventually I began to starve.
... Time for something to eat. (Literally, I need lunch.)
To be continued.
1 comment:
Hah, something tells me you're at risk of becoming a blog-addict, Al... better try and keep that in check!
In regard to your post, I think you and I are quite similar when it comes to finding ways to try and fill the void, in that we think (and too much, no doubt). I find that deconstructing and reverse-engineering the very nature of Mankind is my thing here. Why we act the way we do, how different people reason, why we feel the need to distract ourselves with meaningless novelties, etc... and, seeing as how I'm not the most mathematically inclined individual, I make problems out of that for myself to solve.
In fact, I also find myself hoping for a reason to be. But, from what my experiences have told me, purpose is elsewhere; you have to be proactive, and find it for yourself. Because, if there is some higher power, it really doesn't give a shit about you, or anyone else - and that's why religion results in stagnation, I think. Either because there's no God, or because he/she/it just doesn't care.
And, on the topic of lunch, I had quite a satisfying meal myself, about half an hour ago. Just thought I'd mention that fact.
- N.
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